My Manifest [02.2022]

Idk who will read this. Just wanted to express my thoughts here.

I'm 26 now and always appreciated what I have and people around, was grateful for everything. Always tried to find positive aspects about every situation. Yes I was always content. Never complained or blamed others. Never asked for too much, never had high expectations or demands. 

I love sunny weather and nature, love my job. All I want is to sit at the small coffee shop near my house with a cup or latte or cocoa and learn programming. To enjoy sunny weather and see blue sky out of my window, cuddle with my kitties or go to the gym. Is this too much? Is this luxury?

Now my country is under attack. This is the real WW III. I can't believe what I see. Can't believe it's happening. Here. In my country. In my city and other cities too. It feels like a horrible dream and I can't wake up. My life has become a nightmare, my worst fears became reality and it seems to me my life is over. I'm not scared at all. Rather pissed off. 

My whole life was very hard. I come from a poor and dysfunctional family although my mother always tried to do her best (thank you, mom!). When someone talks about starving children in Africa and Middle-Eastern countries, it's not something unfamiliar to me. Me and my sister have had similar experience. And we know what REAL STARVATION is. When I was 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17 y.o. and my parents didn't work due to various reasons. And we lived below the poverty line. 

In 2010, when I was 14, we were evicted from our apartment because mafia seized it and kicked us away. I remember that dramatic day when I came back from school and saw dozens of people in our house who knocked down the doors in our absence. Another time they threatened my parents with a gun.  

There were days when my parents had no food for us and I saw despair in their eyes. We couldn't even afford basic items. And our parents were always in debts.

When I became older and found a job, things went smoothly. Only a few years ago I started making decent money and since that time my life has improved significantly. I had everything I needed. Was grateful. 

Now that we achieved some decent quality of life, the war began. The enemy went on the offensive. And it has become a global problem although seems like western countries still don't realise the potential danger. Not only Ukraine is in trouble, the whole world will be torn apart if the fascists don't stop. And they won't stop if the countries don't unite. Unity is the only way to save the world.

I'm lost. Alone in the apartment, detached from the world. Always alone. Alone, alone, alone.

Three of my friends passed away, another one secretly admires Putin. One more is sitting in fear somewhere far away. The rest left the country long time ago and disappeared. Don't know what I've done to deserve this. Don't know what WE ALL have done to deserve this. 

My city is surrounded by enemies. They are everywhere. We are fighting. I have no one to talk to.

Good thing my sister is in Hungary.

I made a fatal mistake when listen to my mother and decided to stay here because she didn't;t want to leave the country. I regret not leaving the country while it was possible but I couldn't leave my mother here. She lives separately. And I can't convince her to evacuate And looks like it's impossible to get away.

But I don't want to reunite with my family due to personal reasons.

idk what to do...