Wasted

I think I will die soon. My end is coming. Also, my life has lost any sense and became meaningless to me. Nothing can fill this emptiness, a galaxy-sized hole which cannot be covered by any miserable things. I'm afraid of this void most of all. Maybe I sound pessimistic although I'm not, but I don't see or feel anything ahead. It's about my 6th sense, no, let's call it intuition. There is no future ahead. I'm a person who has a lot of work and plenty of hobbies. I have friends. I'm grateful for what I have. Thanks God, thanks everyone. I love you all. But now I'm dead inside. Trying to fight, but there is nothing to fight for. A real samurai will not swing a sword in vain. Nothing left. My life is already taken. I'm wasted and buried alive. Torn apart. Thrown away. Feeling hopeless and miserable, lost and trapped and I can't break this loop. I can't breathe. Drowning and suffocating. My soul is devoured by this void.

I wish I had no emotions. I wish I couldn't feel anything or regret. But even if I erased my mind, this void would still gnaw on my soul. I don't know how to go on. I actually can go on, but it doesn't make any sense. Just wasting time, everything seems to be useless and empty. No power, no light, no inspiration, no flicker of hope. All hope is gone. All my dreams have already come true - thanks God, I'm very grateful for what You gave me. But now... Now I realize I can't go on, can't move on. I tried to change myself but this is total self-deception and nothing can heal me, I'm incurable. There is only one reason for this. I lost something irreplaceable and I'm not likely to retrieve it, and no, I don't want anything instead. All my efforts are futile. Just a couple of words could cure me and save my soul, but no. Nothing happens so far...

I don't want to live a wasted life.

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