My Struggle With Anorexia & Fasting Diary [Updated On A Daily Basis]

I'm writing this post during the quarantine and related restrictions. It's a mix of notes and a diary with my observations and achievements.  I update it on a regular basis, a few times a day  so that you could see my mistakes and avoid them.

START DATE: April 12, 2020.

Disclaimer: This is personal experience. Everyone needs an individual diet, as not all options are suitable for everyone. If you have health problems, for example, some cardiovascular disease, immunity/liver/kidney issues, diabetes, or other serious health issues, ignore this post because you need to consult your doctor first. In my case, at the beginning there was a completely healthy person, ready to boldly rush into the pool of diets, therefore, I cannot guarantee that a weak body can withstand such a torment.

Those who care about their body and have been considering proper nutrition for a long time know that in order to maintain the desired weight or reduce it, the number of calories consumed should be less than the number of calories you spend. It sounds pretty simple, in other words, if you burn more calories than you consume, you can expect the desired results in a while. Also, doctors and nutritionists agree that the weight loss should not be abrupt, but rather gradual, and that it's not advised to lose more than 4 kg per month. But sometimes there is no opportunity to wait for a long time. I have chosen a faster and pretty dangerous way. The hazard level is  RED .

 My Overall Experience 

At the moment when I started to write this post, I hadn't eaten for 24 days. However I can’t say I don’t consume calories at all, because apart from water I also drink tea, coffee, hot chocolate, sometimes low-fat yoghurt without sugar and flavours, plant milk, vitamins. And sometimes I chew some gum. I also take laxatives and sorbitol (in order to get rid of excessive bile and toxins). Therefore, I can say I feel ok, although I do experience some dizziness. I don’t feel hunger during the day, it wakes up after 4 pm, but this is not something that can't be endured.

But anyway, I consume 300-400 calories during the day.

They say you need to consume 1000-2000 calories if you're dieting. But since it’s quarantine and everything is closed, and I have this goddamn coronavirus aka COVID-19, there’s no opportunity to workout or move a lot, neither can I do the full exercise cycle at home which is necessary for the weight loss. Although I do some exercises, it’s not something that could contribute to proper weight loss and getting fit, I would say it's rather about relaxing, stretching and warming up.

This week I have started to walk as much as possible - every day I walk ~10 km, but this can be also  related to some kind of warm-up, since I spend a lot of time sitting down just like many other people. Therefore, when I used to try to eat 2000 calories in the absence of physical exercises, I only gained weight.

For myself, I have chosen to consume 300-400 calories in any form as the best option. It’s obvious that one won’t endure such a regime for a long time and you can’t call it a panacea, because over time the body will get used to it and turn on the meanie-mode trying to save the reserves. This means that one can expect that at some point the weight loss will stop and your weight will freeze at some point and stops changing no matter what. But I don’t eat just because I have no appetite. For if I had it, there would be no motivation to stop me.

Healthy Food

I looked up plenty of different healthy diet meal recipes for weight loss and was not lazy to analyze the food calorie tables I had found on different sites. So in this section I basically want to talk about my findings.

Those who wish to lose weight will be advised to eat nuts and dried fruits. Here I can say that these products are no less "fatty" than regular sweets, therefore, in the context of losing weight, they are completely useless and should be excluded from your menu or consumed in minimal quantities. I crossed out the nuts and fruit for myself. Those with liver issues also need to be careful with them.

Same thing about protein/nut bars, vegan treats, granola and etc. I do not dissuade you from their use, but just take a look at the calorie table. The number of calories is over the top. For me personally, there is no difference between 200 calories of chocolate or 200 calories of dried fruits/nuts. The difference is solely in the content of vitamins, so for those who still care about their health and need vitamins, the choice is obvious.

Now about apples. Again, everything is very individual. I only gain weight and bloat if I eat them. Not recommended for people with stomach problems. I don’t eat apples anymore.

I think everyone already understands that flour and sweets of all kinds should be excluded in any case, as well as mayonnaise and any oils (and do not be fooled, you won’t win much if you replace sunflower oil with olive, unicorn, mandrake or something else).

It is worth giving up on all kinds of sausage, cheese, pickles, salty meat and dried fish as these meals prevent the liquids from leaving your body and you will just bloat.

As for beans, soybeans and related products, I also don't recommend this for those on a strict diet, and the same goes for avocados, I also deleted avocados from my nutrition plan. After quitting such a diet, you don’t have to limit yourself in such products, and if you are seriously involved in sports, especially those kinds of sports that require strong muscles (I'm talking about martial arts, boxing and etc), then of course, you should not refuse such products otherwise your body becomes frail.

Cereals also contain high amounts of calories and the difference in these amounts does not vary significantly in different kinds of cereals (I'm judging by the calorie table) so buckwheat is not a panacea and it doesn't matter whether you eat some porridge or rice.

But juices, broths, soups, fresh and stewed vegetables should not be banned (except for potatoes). On the other hand, you have to be very careful with soups and veggies - if you limit yourself to vegan diet and soups, you will bloat inevitably. Therefore there are some meals you should add to your nutrition plan to stabilize your condition.

I also did not exclude zero-fat yogurt without sugar and flavors, but again, dairy products also cause bloating and even skin issues, so don't consume them on a daily basis and in large amounts.

I also looked at the nutritional value of meat. I think everything is clear here, pork (my favorite food, by the way) is much less healthy than stewed/boiled/steamed turkey or chicken fillet. I'm not an expert and I don't know how much one should eat so that these foods don't interfere with the weight loss; it's suggested that you consume 70-100 g per day. But don't take this as a rule.

"Healthy" cakes - forget about them for a long time until you get fit, they can't be healthy.

"Healthy diet chocolate" - same, even if it contains zero sugar, even if you prepare it yourself, cocoa is still fatty itself, just a little bit less unhealthy

Wholegrain bread is recommended by many self-proclaimed nutrition experts. If you are looking for a good way to get rid of some extra kilos, exclude it from your diet. This doesn't work.

Dark chocolate. I have read that dark bitter chocolate (70%) may help you improve your metabolism. No way. And it still contains sugar, same amount of calories and apart from this it doesn't influence your liver in a beneficial way. So it doesn't really matter what kind of chocolate you choose to indulge yourself. Either eat any type you wish or forget about it for a while.

3 in 1 coffee. My mistake actually. Don't abuse this, one cup contains 55-70 cal. This is not something to drink on a regular basis and in large amounts.

Eggs. Only white part

Hot chocolate drinks. Definitely ban this until you get fit.

Artificial sweeteners. Avoid them, especially fructose.

Cocoa - ban

Jelly, even clear - ban

Stevia - the only exception, I'm testing it.

Treats: sugar-free options 

Let's take a closer look at several popular sugar-free options. I decided to check if they can replace normal treats and help you maintain your weight. Spoiler: still not sure about anything.

Cola zero - never tried it although I can see many anorexic people are addicted to this kind of drink. I'm not sure if I should try it, but sure I will bloat. Also, this can cause digestive problems.

Normal dosage: 1 glass a day

Tic-tac 2 cal per piece. Sugar-free, but not something you can rely upon.

Normal dosage: 10 pieces a day (20 cal). Not enough for me.

Halls mini mints - 235 cal per 100 g, 1 piece = 0.5 g (1.17 cal). Sounds quiet good for a diet, but only if you don't abuse it.

Normal dosage: 1 pack a day (30 cal).

Chewing gum - the safest sugar-free option for those who are focused on weight loss.
But! I personally have a problem. If I get my hands on chewing gum, I will not stop until I consume 5-6 packs at once which means 50-60 pieces a day. Doesn't sound healthy, right? Chewing gum can cause lax effect when consumed in excessive amounts (due to sorbitol), but in my case it only happened once, and the rest of times it only resulted in bloated stomach which is even worse.

Therefore I don't think chewing gum is absolutely safe for weight loss and good shape. The only best option is total self control.

Normal dosage: 1 pack a day. But I take 2-6. Someone should punch me in the face for this.

Conclusion: None of these products can be consumed in large amounts, they are just less harmful than regular sweets. Also, I noticed they provoke depression maybe because their ingredients don't help to produce serotonin or regulate cortisol amounts. The latter one is crucial as this is the key factor which can lead to your first and following binge eating episodes.

A simple explanation. One day I decided I need more strict fasting and cut the calorie amount. Decided to replace all possible meals with coffee, sugar-free vitamins and "cheat-treats" with sorbitol, isomalt and other stuff. Everything was fine until 15:30 when my depression peaked and it started seeming to me I was about to perish soon. I did realize it was all in my head and wasn't caused by any external factors, yet the feeling was absolutely terrible and led me to suicidal thoughts. I came home. I was alone there. I started experiencing even higher level of stress and anxiety. Decided that although I didn't plan to exceed my 250-300 calorie plan, a few apricots and an apple I found in the fridge wouldn't spoil the day. Then I noticed fresh soup. Then fish. Then meatballs. Then something else. I ate everything I could see only to reduce this stress level as my body signaled about deficit of some very important micro-elements (as far as I understand) and I only had to obey to these survival instincts. Finally I ended up eating a large amount of cherries, raspberries and added some glazed raisins which totals up to 1000 calories. Instead of 200-300 planned.
I think you understand what I mean. I would endure any hunger, but what's most intolerable in this case is not the hunger itself, but that horrible depression caused by deficit of some nutrients\chemical elements whatever. This is the main reason why many people start binging after long fasting periods.

Judgement: VERY DANGEROUS.

For some reason I want to list foods I dislike, here they are:

• Aubergines
• Fried eggs
• Napoleon cake
• Pizza (I only like home-made by me)
• Lasagna
• Meatballs
• Foods with liver filling. Liver itself is ok, but not as a filler
• Duck meat
• Cheese, especially curd, bitter, blue and soft cheese (but I like cheese-coated meat)
• Baked apples

I remind you once again that this diet will help if you don't have the opportunity to devote time to physical activities. If your health allows regular workouts for an hour and a half, as well as yoga, walking, sprinting and jogging in addition, eating 2000 calories will not hurt your body and will not prevent you from losing weight. And if your metabolism is alright, you can drop all those calorie calculations. But in my case, my heart is weak and I can't endure the volume of physical exercises needed to achieve some noticeable results, whether it’s about getting shredded or getting skinnier.

Therefore, although I do some physical exercises, they do not help neither to lose weight, nor to get fit. This is just a warm-up, like I wrote above. Other than that, I personally hate sports, perhaps because I'm too lazy and don't like physical tension.

Best And Safest Diet-Friendly Foods `calories per 100 g

• Steamed/baked zucchini, 20 cal
• Cucumber, 16 cal
• Tomato, 80 cal
• Wild rice, 100 cal
• Oats, 88 cal
• Buckwheat, 97 cal
• Semolina, 50 cal
• Vicia faba beans, 56 cal
• Cat food, 66 cal
• Steamed/baked [without oil] fish: plaice, merluccious and pollock, 70-80 cal. Can be raw.
• Seafood, namely shrimps
• Liver - any, 100 cal
• Rabbit meat, steamed/baked [without oil], 150 cal
• Veal, steamed/baked [without oil], 100 cal
• Chicken, steamed/baked [without oil], 115 cal
• Turkey fillet, steamed/baked [without oil], 130 cal 
• Cauliflower and broccoli, 27 cal
• Tomato, 80 cal
• Mushrooms, baked [without oil], 20 cal
• White part of a boiled egg, 27 cal 
• Strawberry, 32-44 cal
• Peach 40 cal
• Apricot, 48

I couldn't skip this point

 Progress 

I have lost 8 kg in 24 days. My cellulite is almost gone. At this point my weight is 53.5 kg instead of 61.5. My height is 163 cm. I guess that laxatives and biliary drainage could have contributed to this, and that if I start eating again, everything will return.

Speaking of biliary drainage, I do not advise you to abuse it, but a couple of times a month to purge the liver and detox doesn't hurt. But only if you do not have gallstones. Again, I write from the point of view of a healthy person. To do this, fill 1/3 of the glass with sorbitol and then add warm, but not hot water, stir it and drink. Then you need to lay down on your right side and rest for about 45-60 minutes. In an hour the bile will start going out, so I advise you not to stay far from the WC. The purging process can take 4-6 hours, so there’s no need to make any plans for this day.

My plan is to reach 45 kg and then start eating again, intuitively, but at the same time to actively engage in the hateful sports and move a lot so that the achieved results don't roll to the hell. The first 10 days - exclusively vegetables, fresh and stewed, as well as light broths and soups. Then it will be possible to add meat and fish of dietary types, stewed or steamed, but not fried. Perhaps after some time it will be possible to introduce some more variety, but the portions will have to be cut by 50%.
Most likely, you will have to permanently abandon the sweet, fatty, fried stuff, bread, pasta, and certainly forget about instant noodles and fast food forever. In the future, I would sometimes like to have anti-fasting days for myself, when you can get some vla, sushi, my favorite pork, seafood, ice cream with whipped cream, fast food and sweets, but now it's too early to think about it, because we all know what happens after binging :)

I guess that even with this strategy, a couple of kilograms will still come back. But if the weight from rises from 47 to 50, this won't be critical. But if this happens now, with my current weight, there will be little sense from this.

Hot Or Cold?

My notes regarding workouts in hot/cold weather and how temperature affects your weight loss. You can still lose weight regardless of season - whether its cold or hot, you can lose weight with the same speed. It's just that bad weather doesn't let you go outside, you can't go sprinting when it's raining, huh? - plus you also eat much more. And when it's hot, we all have weaker appetite, but feeling lazy for crazy workouts. As for me, I bloat when it's hot, and even staying hydrated doesn't help me. As a result, I gain weight during the heatwave and workouts don't help. Even if I walk 15 km and consume 400-500 cal, I can gain 1 kg. And that sucks. But I found a way to improve my metabolism - take contrast or cold shower, when it's hot. Seems like this option works well for me.
Don't be lazy.

 After Significant Weight Loss 

We all know that the more weight you lose, the slower the further weight loss process goes and it's normal as the body has already got rid of excessive fat and liquid. So as you approach your goal and realize there is just a little job left and you only want to get rid of 1-2 more kilos and save your achievements, it's time to diversify your physical activities and gradually increase the daily amount of calories you consume. You need this to speed up your metabolism and avoid the unwanted plateau effect or associated health issues and bloating.

So far I only do cardio - walk, run, jump and do some other exercises. I guess now it's time to think about some weight-lifting, sprinting, cross-fit like Burpee exercises and other things needed to strengthen muscles and burn more fat. It's high time to stop getting rid of body water which comes and goes. And yes, it's much more difficult to start burning fat. Also, the more I engage in walking/running, the fewer calories I burn. For example, before a 16-km walk could burn around 550 cal, now - 400 or something. And I don't have much time to walk for hours.
But I'm really exhausted, my heart is weak and I can't sprint or do some other body-stressing activities like Burpee and etc, as I know I may faint or gain a heart attack. Maybe I should start little by little? Let's see.

I don't want to exceed the limit of 500-550 cal per day, but... Like I said, I prefer to consume calories with drinks rather than meals. Why? Because a 50-cal coffee/tea/whatever will energize me and suppress my appetite while 1 candy or 1 miserable piece of fruit, cheese whatever with the same amount of cals will only increase my appetite. So I don't want to eat and drink just water after eating out to avoid exceeding the limit. I really hate water and it makes me sick. But if I want 3-4  cups of tea and coffee during the day, I have to cut the calories on the other side (meal), otherwise I will have to drink just water until I go to bed.

And yes... I dream of a big latte or cappuccino or something normal and not tasteless like my stuff... Real latte with a lot of milk or plant milk, like 200-300 ml. As you can see, I don't put more than 50 ml. Sometimes 100, and I'm ready to punish myself for this. But, a normal cup of sugar- and sweetener-free latte, whether milk or plant milk-based, will contain at least 200 cal. If you add some topping or syrup... expect 350-400 cal which equals to a regular dinner. And of course such nice things like frappe, hot chocolate (my favorite) or just plain cocoa drink are forbidden.

This is where the problem with living with your family shows up. I WISH MY FAMILY JUST LEFT ME ALONE AND DIDN'T SUPPRESS ME AND FORCE ME TO EAT!!!! They don't let me live...
I mean... I don't eat much, as you have already realized. But the food in the fridge is rotting as they don't eat much too. This is bad. I think I won't cook any more, no, I won't. If you don't eat - do not spoil your food or give it to someone who needs it.

When I was young, like 12-16, I experienced real starvation. And yes, I don't wish anyone such an awful and depressing experience. I come from a very poor family (not ashamed of saying this) and there were periods in my life when we had nothing to eat. I still remember that hungry 2008 and even more hungry 2011-2012. This was a true hell. Now I shamelessly starve myself, although even a few months ago I'd be ready to sell my soul for a good meal. In fact, I was always hungry until April. I wish I could share my food with someone who really needs it.

But you know, there is a big difference between being hungry due to poverty and being hungry due to eating disorders. ED does not run in poor families. I thank God for everything, for getting away from poverty, but... I really don't know what to do with the food we don't eat as I don't want to discard it or leave it rotten and at the same time I can't share with anyone as there is no one around. I mean no one, who would take it.

In fact, in the evening I am very hungry. I still can handle it, but this doesn't cancel the fact I do experience hunger and this is why I started going to bed earlier, at 00.00 instead of 2-3.30 am like before. And apart from this I've made a list of meals i'm craving for and it's getting longer and longer every day. When I scroll my feed and suggested posts on Instagram, I always save food pics and good recipes. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD...All my saved pictures are about food. If some day I get the desired shape and weight, I will start fulfilling my dream slowly. One bad meal a week.

By the way, when I come to the store and don't see anything I like, I feel happy.

So I'm craving for seafood... SEAFOOD! Dishes with shrimps, scallops, crab stuff etc. top my list of the most desired meals, and they are followed by sushi and sashimi, vla, all possible desserts, especially chocolate desserts (brownies, cakes), good ice-cream topped with whipped cream and M&Ms. I also want fast food like French fries, deep fried chicken and fish nuggets, creamy pasta with cheese/tomato sauce (enough sauce!), tuna, roasted pork, roasted chicken fillet (in breadcrumbs, crispy thing), stewed pork with veggies and sauce, home-made cutlets, miso soup, lemon cupcakes, chocoalte cupcakes, chocolate cookies, Toblerone chocolate, whole-nut/almond chocolate (milk),  Japanese food, Thai food, home-made pizza (I will cook it the way I want), candies, marshmallows, jelly, home-made milk jelly, milkshakes, sesame milkshakes, flavored milk (chocolate, banana, vanilla, strawberry), latte, cocoa, hot chocolate, exotic fruit.

Who knows when I am allowed to eat all this deliciousness... But there is another thing, which is even worse than all these yet selfish and hedonistic desires. I've read that in most cases strict diets and radical starvation end with binge disorders, including bulimia. I really feel sorry about people who ended up binging... This is terrible and I'm afraid of thinking about this. So in order to avoid this, I would be careful with my gastronomic dreams and focus on other things, as life is not all about food, but the food is only needed to support life... Guys, stop focusing on your cravings... They can poison your life...

Which Diet Is The Most Efficient?

This is a good question, but again, depends on your goal. If you are morbidly obese, the best diet which helps you LOSE WEIGHT is ABC (google it), or even better, water diet, when you only drink water, or coffee/tea without sugar and sweeteners. Forget about all these cola zero things, you can't replace sugar with anything else. Like really, if you want to lose weight, the best options is not to eat at all and avoid food as long as you can endure it (15 days max).

But how it affects your health, depends on duration of your fasting period. Also, set some reasonable goals. Like, going down from 60 to 38 kg can't be deemed as reasonable because you will just exhaust your body. Control your BMI and do not cross the lower borderline.

How do I maintain the desired weight? This is a whole science. And this is what I'm working on.

 How To Suppress Hunger: 

WARNING: this is also personal (!!!) experience. I'm NOT advertising any meds, as we all have different brain chemistry. Good antidepressants and antipsychotics can suppress hunger. In my case these include zoloft and quetirone. You can control yourself really good.

 ***Diary*** 

This is a partial diary where I take a closer look at every shift in my weight to track and assess the latest results. I don't always include every day and every step I took, but let me present the highlights.

May 16th, 2020. Reached 50.5 kg. So I've lost 11 kg in ~1 month. No more dairy products. No more plant milk. No more 3 in 1 coffee.

May 18th. I realized my weight had increased up to 51.5 kg. I try to refuse eating, go running, walk 15-18 km a day but nothing works. I refused sweet drinks, now only tea without sugar. Coffee also without sugar.

Plateau effect. My weight is frozen at 51,5. I do eat sometimes, but small amounts.

End of May.
So far I will not write about my everyday experience. Will only highlight certain periods. I've been dieting since April 12 and after 35 days of starvation my parents noticed my problems and started forcing me to eat. I engaged into self-induced vomiting after every meal. But I still eat only once a day. I'm not good at regurgitation and never can completely purge my stomach. Why I don't recommend self-induced vomiting for purging: it's hard to make sure you got rid of it all. The best way is to drink some warm liquid before eating out (1 cup) and after eating out (1 cup). Then and down, stretch and try to throw up. It will take you 3 attempts before you get rid of the content.
But, another reason why vomiting is bad is that you will feel hungry after purging. That's why it's better not to eat at all and kill your appetite with a cup of some drink when you get hungry.

Update: My hands are paralyzed! I can barely use them. It's very hard to type, I have muscle spasms. My hands get numb, especially at night, I can't sleep all night long because of pains. Can't work...

Update:
My weight is around 52-52,5. I bloat like a frog. Running and walking doesn't help. My nutrition is around 500-600 cal.per day. My friend says I should include fish and meat in my menu as well as some porridge. She also says I should try the strategy called "calorie cascade" - to increase the calorie amount every day, like today 300, next day - 400, another day - 500, then 300-400 again.

I followed her advice and tried to diversify my nutrition plan. My weight started going down. And I realized I really love sports, workouts and motion. Can't wait for the gym to open!! The more I run/sprint, the more energy I get! I started enjoying workouts, even at home! Now I can't live without physical activities! Also, I consume around 500 cal per day.

May 28. Weight: 52,5. Crazy bloating. Small workout, walked 10 km.

May 29. Weight 52,3. I ate baked fish with veggies and cheese. 1x a day. Sometimes I eat 1-2 chocolate candies per day. Walked 12 km.

May 30. Weight: 51,8. Again baked fish with veggies and cheese. Once a day. 6 tea spoons of dulce de leche. Walked 10 km.

May 31. Weight: 51,5. I've had baked turkey fillet with veggies, cheese and mushrooms. Once a day, 150 g.
Tea without sugar, latte, water. 2 tea spoons of dulce de leche.

June 1. My weight is 50.8 kg. Baked turkey again. 2 tea spoons of dulce de leche. Tea without sugar, latte, water. 1 mangostan, 500 g of some Jaffa drink (water with coconut and pineapple juice), 30 cal per 100 g. Evening walk.

June 2. 50.3 kg. Baked turkey + black/brown/red rice. 1 piece of snickers. 1 kinder joy. Tea with 1 tea spoon of sugar. 2 tea spoons of dulce de leche. Small workout.

June 3. 50.3 kg.  Baked turkey. Water, sugar-free tea. Small workout. Walked 10 km.

June 4. 50.1 kg. Baked fish and squid with veggies. Water, tea. Walked 10 km.

June 5. 50.0 kg. Baked squid with veggies, tea and coffee with powder cream without sugar. Water. A bite of something sweet. Small workout. Walked 10 km.

June 6. 49,3 kg. Apple, banana, chocolate with nuts (20 g), latte with coconut milk without sugar, baked squid 100 g, water, tea without sugar. Small workout. Walked 14 km.

June 7. 49,2 kg. Baked chicken fillet with cheese and veggies. 6 nuts. 20 g of chocolate with nuts. Coffee with milk and honey. 3 slices of pork fat (belly). Apple. Cucumber. 1 candy (5 g). Tea with honey. Water. Small workout. Walked 20 km.

June 8. 49.0 kg. Walked 13 km. Baked chicken fillet with cheese and veggies. 5 nuts. Coffee with honey and milk. Tea, water. 1 carrot. So at this point I'm looking at my body. It has changed significantly compared to what it used to look like. I've become noticeably skinnier, my big belly is gone, although if I drink a large amount of liquid or bend down, it does appear. But I can see my ribs. Cellulite has almost disappeared (90% gone). But I'm still not very happy with my body. Expected better results - for example I don't like how the inner side of my thighs looks like. I wish my legs were a bit slimmer. I wish my collarbone was more visible... I wish there was no armpit fat left - this looks really ugly and I still have it.

NOTE

It's been 1 week since I started feeling exhausted and unproductive, can't focus on simple tasks and get them done in time. Feeling very lazy. I only think of sports, healthy food, adjusting my nutrition plan, counting calories and writing a book or a blog. I need to study since I enrolled in system administration courses and I'm actually interested in mastering a new specialization in IT, but can't focus on work and studies at all. I want to engage into arts, like drawing and finishing my book, but no time because I waste it. Yes...I'm actually wasting time in bed, laying exhausted and unable to force myself to finish a few simple tasks I could cope with in a few hours. Because I'm not feeling well and it's not about being tired, it's some other kind of fatigue...

Apart from this, I can't sleep. Insomnia is back. Now I fall asleep by 4.30 or 5.00 and wake up at 9.00. My hands are in trouble again, getting numb. I can feel pain in my hands again and heartache is also back, I start experiencing it in the afternoon and in the evening. Exhausted. Dried out... Dead inside... Totally unproductive. I want to stay idle and put my work and studies aside. But I must work.

One more bad thing I noticed. I engaged into some weird kind of food shopaholism. I can't go out without visiting a supermarket and picking new foods and sweets. I can't help buying them. I buy chocolate, other kinds of sweets, 3-in-1 coffee sticks with different flavors and hide them near my bed so that I could eat one candy a day, drink one cup of such coffee a few times a week and have a long-term reserve of sweets, but then I end up giving them away right after trying so I have nothing left for myself, but then go and buy them again. At some point this can become dangerous for my wallet as I've become addicted to buying food I don't actually consume.There are many more things I would buy... More black rice for example. Can this be considered an eating disorder?

Dear God, protect me from bulimia, binging and other kinds of ED, these are definitely worse than anorexia.

Also, every evening I think about food I will cook tomorrow. Because I'm hungry. It takes over my mind. I love cooking and would like to cook a lot of things if I had the necessary stuff like blender, multi-cooker, baking molds. I dream of cooking some lemon cake or shrimps, chocolate bars, for example, healthy alternatives to Snickers and Mars or Bounty. There is actually a whole list of meals I would like to cook. But I have no place for extra stuff in this goddamn dorm.

In addition, I have to say I can't stand my neighbors for cooking smelly food like fried sausage or other things I can smell when I leave my room. But basically, I'm really tired of having strangers around. No privacy... Ugh...

I need help...

 Update!!! . I came across an article by some experienced nutritionist. Of course it's about healthy nutrition, as you may have already guessed. In this article he explains which products are the most/least beneficial. In the long run, after reading it, I realized the best and the healthiest food to stay full, energized and not to overeat/gain weight is... you would never guess haha... OFFAL! Yes. Offal like liver, hearts, kidneys etc - chicken, pork, beef offal - tops the ranking of healthiest meals. I will not explain why. I personally hated liver and other kinds of offal, but now I'm so eager to try it as I found plenty of awesome and appetizing recipes, and this stuff is very cheap if not the cheapest at all. So in this case saying healthy nutrition is expensive would be a lie. According to this ranking, offal is then followed by seafood and fish. Then game, beef, veal, venison, mutton.
As for the worst meals, it's not hard to guess that processed foods, fast-food and vegetable oils are at the bottom. I don't want to abuse vegetarians and people with meat/fish intolerance, but for me this ranking seems to be true.

June 9. 49.0 kg. Baked chicken fillet with cheese and veggies. Oats. 4 nuts. Honey  (2 tea spoons).
Dulce de leche (2 tea spoons), 1 candy. Coffee with dry milk and 0,5 tea spoons of honey...
Bought wild rice, beans, baby meal to try tomorrow. Walked 18 km. It's so hot...
I feel bad. I'm not productive.

June 10. 49.4 kg. GODDAMN! Not enough water? Meal: 0,5 carrot, baby meal, baked fish with cheese and veggies. Wild rice. Tea without sugar.
Now let's count calories: 115 (fish) +100 (rice) +20-30 (carrot) +100 (baby meal)... 345? Not bad.. But...I guess MUST completely cutoff everything sweet...

June 11. 49.5 kg. It's very hot outside, +33. Walked 22 km. Water with lemon - around 3-4 l during the day. I think it's because I'm bloating due to heat. Weird. I used to think hot weather helps lose weight as I always lose weight in summer.

2 cups of coffee with soy milk, no sugar. 100 g of wild rice in the morning. Tried contrast shower. Wouldn't say this helped me a lot, but...let's see.

June 12. 49.0 kg. Still very hot. I don't think I will lose more weight even if I don't eat at all for weeks, because it's very hot and I bloat. I try to stay hydrated but this doesn't help. This is frustrating, I must confess, as I still want to reach 48, and, ideally, 45. I used to think it's impossible to have the body shape I wish with my shortass height - 163 cm. But this week I've seen a few people with the same height and they looked much skinnier than me although quiet healthy without any signs of anorexia. But let's not mention genes here. Mom says my minimal weight was 45 when I just reached my current height, but this was at school when I was 14 or something.
I think I've done a great mistake. I've had a big cup of sesame milk-based latte. I don't know if it was a 350 or 500 ml cup, but one way or another it's 500-700 cal even without sugar. Even that I have walked 17 km today, I'm afraid I will gain weight again. Let's see. Apart from this I've consumed 300 cal (2 small cucumbers, 1 carrot, 15-20 g pork belly fat, 7,5 g of bitter chocolate, 1 piece of hinkali), 2 cups of sugar-free coffee with soy milk. I decided to take a pill of diuretic, but ended up taking laxative by mistake which I realized at 5 a.m lol :) Maybe it was a lucky mistake as diuretics can be really dangerous during the heat wave and lead to dehydration.

June 13. 48.4 kg. Looks like the damn sesame drink didn't ruin my shape and weight goals much. But I guess it's because of the laxative. I've had a good meal - baked cauliflower with cheese, baked fish (2 pieces), salad. Then I had sugar-free matcha tea with soy milk and 2 cups of sugar-free latte, one of them was based on banana-flavoured soy milk. The latter was very tasty, but 58 cal per 100 g is not the best option for every day. Not sure how many calories I have consumed. I can only assume it was around 430. Let's try to count: 132 (fish)+150 (cauliflower)+30 (salad) +35 (matcha)+40 (latte 2)+50 (latte 3)

June 14. 48.7 kg. Hmmm ok then...Will try not to eat much today, but it won't be possible to completely avoid food because of my mother.
Meal: 1 slice of baked fish, no idea about its weight and calories, I can only guess there are around 90 cal per 100 g. Maybe the weight of that slice without bones is 70-80 g. Matcha tea with banana-flavored soy milk. Around 55 cal. Cup of latte without sugar, 30 cal. 2 apricots (36 cal). Coconut milk-based blue flower tea without sugar (100 cal). More matcha tea, 23 cal. Feeling bad in the afternoon, although better than before.

June 15. 48.2 kg. I did biliary drainage with sorbitol and added some lax, so this is a cheat weight loss. I think the liquid will come back. Decided to try stevia as a sweetener, heard the amount of cal. is 0. Let's see.
Meal: 1/12th of whole Toblerone bar (45 cal), vicia faba beans (70 cal), veggies (24 - tomato, 22 - cucumber), baked cauliflower (100), 4 nuts (30). Matcha tea with 1 tea spoon of CoffeeMate and stevia (27), coffee with 50 g of soy milk and stevia (23), coffee 3 in 1 (55). 400 cal in total. Then a small piece of cheese (50 cal) and one candy (50) so this makes 500 cal in total
Walked 16 km. Small workout. I feel better now. But my hands still get numb at night and I still lose hearing in my right ear during running, intense walks or workouts.

June 16. 48.6 kg. Like I thought, this was a cheat weight loss... I wish I could refuse meal today but my parents will force me anyway... I don't want to eat.
Meal: baked cauliflower (100), coffee with banana-flavoured soy milk (35), sugar-free latte 500 ml (200?), baked cauliflower+beans(115), 1 apple (50), americano with milk (20?), matcha with soy milk (20).. 540 cal...Walked 12 km.

I get panic attacks if I realize I've exceeded the defined daily number of calories - I feel terrified and  even get physical heartache from this fear. I wish I lived separately and no one forced me to eat.
So I took 2 pills of diuretic in the evening. Muscle cramps.

June 17. 46.6 kg. Seems like it worked. -2kg. Amazing, of course, but looks like this is just another cheating way to lose weight for a short period of time and then get it back(  How do I avoid this?
I'm experiencing muscle cramps all day long and can't use my hands for work because of spasms. Of course this is a bad side effect, electrolyte imbalance. I was warned, but it seemed to me this could only happen as a result of regular diuretic abuse and not right after the first time... No, no, this will be the first and the last time... Unpleasant.

Meal: stewed chicken liver (140 cal), matcha with soy milk (30), coffee with soy milk (30), blue Thai anchan tea with soy milk (35), apple (50),1/6 of whole Toblerone bar (90 cal), 7 nuts (70)
445 cal...
Guys, I'm so happy to discover anchan tea, this is flower tea with majestic blue color and mild taste. If you put some milk into it, it will taste really amazing!
I have run 5 km and walked around 7 if my fitness app doesn't lie. 13 km in total. Also a small everyday workout, as always. I still find it exhausting.

June 18. 47 kg. Ok, not bad. I hope it's not caused by dehydration. I woke up with dry mouth.
Meal: beans (90). Coffee with soy milk and stevia (30), matcha with dry milk (13), 2 apricots (35), coffee with soy milk (42), chicken liver (140), 1 cucumber (10), 1 tomato (24), matcha with soy milk (12), anchan tea with soy milk (35).
431..

June 19. 47 kg. But depends on where in my room I check my weight. In some places it shows 47,2, in other - 48.0. Lol I hope I didn't gain 1 kg overnight. At least I don't feel bloating.
Meal: My favorite wild rice (450), liver (100) coffee with soy milk (30), apple (52). 637
Planned: 1 cucumber (10), 1 tomato (24), matcha with soy milk (12), anchan tea with soy milk (30), 3 apricots (50). 760 cal in total

 I know some increase in calories won't hurt and can actually boost your metabolism. But no one cancelled physical activities, so no matter what you eat, you won't benefit much unless you workout properly. Went outside, ran 5 km and walked 10 more.

Bloating again. Took 1 pill of this goddamn furosemide, this time together with asparcam and Magne B-6 to prevent electrolyte imbalance & muscle cramps. Will be funny if this doesn't work. I should stop playing with this diuretic shit anyway.

June 20. 46.7 kg. But damn, if I move the scales , I can see 47.7. Lol. I know it's just a short-term effect from furosemide, but I think I've got addicted to weight loss. Guys, it's stupid, DO NOT repeat my mistake!((( AND this time I MUST stop. Otherwise I will make things worse and achieve an opposite effect. Just need to burn more fat... Burn more fat...

Meal: apple (53 cal), coffee with soy milk (30), coffee with stevia (14), coffee again (30) coffee (17), wild rice - (around 200) , liver (100), cucumber, tomato, 2 apricots - 510 cal.??
My mother forced me to finish all my rice. I don't have the fucking scales so I have no idea about the amount. I'm not sure whether there was 120, 150 or 200 g. Also, I'm not sure about the amount of calories. Some sources say there are 100 cal per gram, so with butter it will be 130. According to other sources, wild rice has 350 cal. Add butter - you will get 380. It was a bigger portion than before. Also liver. I feel very very unhappy and in this very moment I almost hate my family for forcing me to eat. I'm almost crying. So it could be 510 cal, but could also be 1000!! I spend around 2000 cal per day, but... this doesn't reflect in my weight... I beg my family - please please please leave me alone, all this makes me suffer... I don't want to weight 48 or 50 kg again! I don't want to suffer any more :((( I don't care what other people think of my body.

June 21. 47.1 kg. The damn liquid is back, but I hope the volume doesn't increase. I ran - 7 km (60 min). Took magnesium and potassium.
Meal: apple (53 cal), coffee with almond milk (20), coffee 3 in 1 (55), baked fish with veggies (70), coffee (20), cucumber (10) . Cherries (55), strawberry (50), anchan tea with vanilla-flavored soy milk (17). 350 in total. Walked 15, 7 km in total, but ran 7 of them

June 22. 46.4 kg. Again, in some places it shows me 47.4, but how could this happen if I didn't eat yesterday? I guess 46.4 is correct weight. I think I shouldn't really exceed 300 cal if I want to achieve a desired result. Just need to find a way to avoid the food my parents give me.
Meal: 20 cherries (60 cal), 2 large strawberries (30), fish (50), coffee (30), coffee (36), coffee (20), 10 cherries (30), 3 big strawberries (30), pie (50), chewing gum (26) = 365
But! The goddamn neighbours have brought me some pie so I had to eat one slice otherwise my refusal would abuse them ughhh....I will have to starve tomorrow because of you!!!!

June 23. 46.3 kg. Checked again in 30 min and saw 46.6, although I don't think I could move the scales and I didn't drink. Damn neighbors and their pie... I wish they all disappeared. I wish everyone left me alone and only advised me when I ask for advice. Ok, anyway I think my body looks better now.
Remark: they say don't judge by numbers you see on the scales, judge by your overall shape and appearance. But in my case any weight change does reflect in my look. I've completely got rid of cellulitis when my weight reached 46.5. Not even 47. Also, I can see difference when weigh 47 and 48. Or 58 and 59 - any little change in noticeable, and my family can see it too. It's them who noticed it first. So I don't want to seem to be obsessed with numbers, it's just a matter of fact.

I don't want to eat today. I don't need any food now. I only want coffee with plant milk! Coffee saves my life and mental health. I came to love coffee. And these days I MUST cut the calories to the minimum as this is the only option to keep losing weight for now, later I will have to increase meal amounts and diversity again. But my mother doesn't let me, she always tries to force me to eat and I can't stand this psychological pressure. If I ever end up having bulimia or some binge eating disorder, it will be my mother to blame as she always provokes me. I have to be strong and find a way to cheat, but I don't want to discard food like anorexic people do, as I have been through really hungry times which lasted for years and I didn't enjoy this awful experience.

Meal: baked cauliflower (15), coffee (33), coffee (30), 1 cucumber (10), 20 g carrot (8), chewing gum (20), miso-broth (40), baked fish with veggies (70), coffee (20), tea (30), carrot  20 g (8), tomato (20) - 320 cal.

I'M ACTUALLY FEELING BAD, GUYS. Heartache. Fatique. All the time, starting in the afternoon or sometimes after 12.00. It's not only today that I experience this. I experience this all the time. Everything's going dark when I get up. I attend some courses and must confess it's really hard to study in such a condition. Happy that I'm not a high school or university student any more. Otherwise it would be impossible to experiment with weigh loss.

June 24. 46.9 kg. FUCK! But I didn't eat almost anything...Of course I'm not happy to see that the result of my struggle is so disappointing. Checked my body parameters, measured my waist and noticed it's a little bit thinner than before - 62.2 instead of 62.6 cm. I guess this is because I forgot to take potassium pills yesterday so I will take them today. Also no more coffee in such volumes, shouldn't be more than 2 cups a day - I can already feel heartache and my hands get completely numb when I'm asleep, from the shoulder. I will partially replace it with plant milk-based green tea without sugar.

Meal: green tea with plant milk (43 cal). Tea (30), cherries (50), coffee (22), coffee (40), tea (30) = 215 cal.

Injected hyaluronic acid fillers in my face to correct its contour - lips, chin, cheeks, nose. Very happy with the result but very worried about the fact I can't workout for a week due to associated restrictions. I hope I won'y gain much weight. This means I should stop eating at all but with my family this is impossible and this fact makes me sad...
I'm completely happy with my appearance. But when I posted new pictures on instagram, many people unfollowed or even blocked me and their reaction was negative. Well, fuck you all. I don't give a fuck about your stupid opinions.

June 25. 46.5 kg. Then 46.9. Decided to regularly check my waist along with weight to estimate the accuracy of measurements as I don't  trust my scales any more. My waist is around 61 cm now instead of 62-63. Ok I hope this means I keep going down and I find my comfort in it.

Meal: puree (140 cal), coffee (22), coffee (22), apple 50, cucumber 10, coffee (22), milk tea (22), cucumber 10, anchan tea with milk (30). ~330 cal.
I'm seriously depressed and I want to cry. But I can't.

June 26. 46.9 kg. Fucking edema. I may not take any diuretics of laxatives because they will ruin the injected filler. My waist is around 60,5 cm. I just don't know how to get rid of edema - I feel it in my legs and this is unpleasant. But it's hot. Today I shouldn't eat more that 200 cal but this is difficult when you live with your family and they force you to eat. And my drinks take around 160 cal of these 2000. I seriously don't know when I can get back to normal food. And I feel VERY bad without workouts.

Meal: 1 apple (50), coffee (25), coffee (22), fish (65), tea (30), baked cauliflower(40), coffee(25), coffee (55), apricots (45) = 357 cal
Took furosemide, 2 pills. Idiot.

June 27. 45.6 kg. It was just water which will definitely come back with the heat. It's +28 outside. Frustrating. Otherwise would be a nice weight. At this point my BMI is 17.16. Would be interesting to find out my fat/muscle/water percentage

Meal: coffee (50 cal), green tea with soy milk (38), fish (60), apple (52), coffee (15), 2 apricots (30) and green tea with soy milk (45), coffee (11), tea (49) = 350

Crazy depression, not without a reason, of course

June 28. 45.2 kg. In other places 45,9, 45,8 and 46,6. WTF? My scales are really playing some weird game...

Meal: coffee without sugar with skimmed milk (37 cal), chicken liver (100), green tea with skimmed milk (37), carrot (15), apricot (15), coffee with almond milk (6), vegan soup (50), anchan tea with milk (35), 3 strawberries (30), coffee (11), fish (80) = 416

Sometimes it seems to me there are people who can hear my thoughts, at least 2-3 people. Sometimes it seems to me they send me their thoughts in response.

Binged and ate 5 packs of sugar-free chewing gum which caused laxative effect die to sorbitol. Good thing it wasn't real food. The golden rule for future: do not eat before 11 am if you are dieting and limit your calories. Save food for a later time when you get really hungry - anyway you will by the dinner time.

Walked 15 km.

June 29. 44.5 kg. In other places 45,6. BMI: 16,75
Meal: coffee without sugar with almond milk (20 cal), coffee without sugar with skimmed milk (20 cal), green tea with milk (30), soup (25), coffee (37), coffee (37), cat food (25), tea with milk (47), tea with milk (50), carrot (40), tea (20)= 350 cal,

Walked 14 km.

June 30. 45.4 kg. In other places 46,9.
Meal: coffee without sugar with skimmed lactose-free milk (52 cal), apple (50), coffee with milk (35), cucumber (10), carrot (16), fish, apricots (17), coffee (17), coffee (17), coffee (17), green tea with milk (8) baked fish with veggies (80), tomato (34) =361 cal

Started abusing chewing gum. 5+ packs a day and can't stop...

July 1. 45.2 kg.
Meal:  coffee (35 cal), cucumber (10), 18 cherries (52), coffee (17,5), coffee (30) =144, fish (72), cucumber (15), cherries (25), coffee (17), coffee (20)  = 293

July 2. 45.6 kg. Not good. Checked my waist size - 59 cm. Not bad.
Meal: 20 cherries (60 cal), coffee (35), sausage (20), potato (82), cucumber (15), tea (18), coffee (17), tea (17), cucumber (8), some honey (?), tea with milk (9) = 284.

5-6 packs of chewing gum.

July 3. 45.7 kg. Bloating. I should check my weight at the same time - at 7.00 am. Should also stop with the chewing gum.
Goal to reach before I start eating: 40 kg.
Meal: coffee with cream, 3 cups (100 cal in total). soup (100), seafood (60), coffee (9), kefir (20), coffee (4) = 295 cal

Bought rimantadine, L-tyrosine 100 and glucophage. The first one is an antiviral medicine (relevant in corona times, yeah) but I got it because I'd read it can suppress appetite. Promised side effects: hallucinations. Ok I will check it, such insanity would be more interesting than some boring depression. Took 6 pills.
L-tyrosine 100 and glucophage can help prevent weight gain- but only if you avoid certain foods. No this doesn't mean you can eat anything and stay fit. Sugar is forbidden in this case.
No promised effect from rimantadine, however blackest depression instead - probably the side effect. Never again.

Plan for tomorrow: plums, cherries, apricots, seafood, soup..
(20 cal per 1 large plum, 60 cal for 20 cherries, 66 cal for seafood portion, 100 cal for soup, 20 cal per 1 big apricot) = 270

July 4. 45.4 kg. Bloating. Lax didn't help. Depression. Decided to eat more.

Meal: coffee with lactose-free milk 0,5% (23 cal), plum (30), apricot (17), cucumber (20), tomato (24), seafood (66), tea with milk (17), 28 cherries (85), 2 apricots (35), 1 cucumber (10), tea (18), dark chocolate (67), meatball (120), coffee (17) = 550 cal
Walked 22,7 km. 3 packs of chewing gum = bloated stomach. I should stop, seriously.

July 5. 45.9 kg. Bloated legs and stomach.

Meal: coffee with lactose-free milk 0,5% (34 cal), plum (30), apricots (33), 15 cherries (45), cucumber (10), tomato (20), seafood (66), chocolate (140), cucumber (12), soup (80), coffee (17), tea (35), coffee (10) = 532 cal
3 packs of chewing gum and sugar-free candies, I didn't count them in. This resulted in bloated stomach, but no lax effect.
I have the right.
Also, small workout. Took 2 pills of furosemide and laxative.

July 6. 44.5 kg. The bloating didn't fully go away, even after furo. Lax didn't work. I'm sure I should be 44 - at least... Waist: 58,5 cm
Meal: cucumber (13 cal), coffee 3 in 1 (65), candy (50), nuts (45), carrot (20), cucumber (20), tomato (20), 3 apricots (50), apple (50), carrot (10), apricot (17), tomato (18), nuts and honey (20) = 400 cal

July 7. 45.0 kg. A bit bloated legs
Meal: meatball (130 cal), soup (60), coffee (18), nuts (20), candy (10), apricot (17), coffee (20), fish and veggies (100), coffee (40), tea (17) = 430 cal

5 packs of chewing gum

July 8. 45.5 kg. Something is definitely wrong here.

Meal: coffee (18), coffee (25), marmalade (47), coffee (30), coffee (20), coffee (40), coffee (20), coffee (12), apple (50), 2 apricots (35+15), coffee (25), candy (20), soup (100), meatballs (100), fish (80), raspberries (100), cherries (100), glazed raisins (90) = 1000

Walked 15 km.

I think I had a small binge. Black depression is back. Heartache, stress, muscle cramps, hysterical condition. Dear God, please save me, please, please, please, I need help... Help me... Help...

Called a psychiatrist finally.

Moral: NEVER eat chewing gum, pseudo-low calorie candies with sweeteners, NEVER buy any vitamins to kill hunger, always eat in the morning first - at least it will be better, don't buy and store anything that can provoke binge eating episodes hoping to eat it later when you decide that you deserve it.

Among positive moments: I will forgive myself for today as I still haven't exceeded the limit of 1000 cal, and since I stopped losing weight due to extremely poor meal plan, such abrupt increase in calories could be potentially beneficial for my metabolism and wake it up. But I realized I (and you guys too) should be VERY careful with the things and triggers mentioned above to prevent bulimia and weight gain.


July 9. 45.9 kg. Could be worse or maybe this time lax did its best.

Meal: apricot (17 cal), coffee (13), coffee (13), fish (50), coffee (20), coffee (11), coffee (13), soup (70), apricot (17), carrot (40), anchan tea with milk (40), tea (10) = 315.

Visited a psychiatrist today, he prescribed neuroleptics and antidepressants. I feel much better

July 10. 45.4 kg. Nice. Took zoloft (antidepressant)

Meal: apricot (17 cal), coffee (13), nuts (20), apple (50), coffee (11), carrot (10), 10 cherries (30), cat food (50), soup (100), coffee (11),  coffee (11), carrot (10), tea (20) = 352 cal.

July 11. 45.4 kg. Other places - 45.5, 46, 46.6... WTF... Waist ~58 cm.
Meal: apple (50 cal), coffee (12), 14 cherries (42), coffee (22), ice-cream (67), coffee (11), tomato (24), cucumber (11), apricot (17), chicken fillet (60), coffee (12), tea (33) = 405 cal

I have read that people gain weight after antipsychotic medication even when fasting. Now I'm really afraid. Of course at this point I should forget about all the sweets, reduce the amount of fruit and never exceed the limit of 500 cal, but will this be helpful?

Walked 27 km.

July 12. 44.9 kg. Other places - 45.4, 46, 46.6... As you can see, even walking didn't help much... Something is definitely wrong with my scales and floor. On the other hand, my weight is around 45.5 since June 27 and I'm afraid it will not decrease any more, only absolute hunger can help, but with my mother it's impossible. Or maybe it's time to take furosemide again and check my real weight after the liquid goes away? Anyway I will try to eat as little as possible. Thanks God, antidepressants kill hunger and I don't experience any suffering from being hungry any more.

Meal: tea (35 cal), coffee (12), chicken (50), coffee (11), coffee (35), cucumber (6) = 152 cal

July 13. 44.6 kg.

Meal: coffee (12 cal), steamed fish (60), oats (55), cucumber (6.5), coffee (11), coffee (13), tomato (24), cucumber (6), cucumber (16), fish (40), carrot (30), coffee (12) = 286 cal


July 14. 44.7 kg.

Meal: coffee (12 cal),  nuts (40), oats (100), meatballs (450), pepper (20), pasta (200), candy (90) = 910

July 15. ----kg.

Meal: coffee (11 cal), soup (60 cal), coffee (11), fish and mushrooms (90), cucumber (10), chocolate (45), tea (30) = 257 сal
Very bloated, took furosemide

July 16. 42.7 kg. Other places 43.5. Waist 57,5 cm

Meal: cookie (50 cal), apricot (17), cheese (80), coffee (12), coffee (12), fish with veggies and cookie (100), soup (90)  = 360 сal

July 17. 43.2 kg.

Meal:  semolina (70 cal), coffee (30), coffee (25), cucumber (20), coffee (12), cherry pie (100), cereal (30) = 287 cal

Zoloft works well on me and kills my hunger but I still want to consume less food and I can't because of my mother, she's like a bone in my throat.

July 18. 43.2 kg.

Meal:  coffee (12 cal), coffee (35 cal), coffee (11 cal), cucumber (16), fish (40), coffee (11), soup (83) = 208 cal

July 19. 43.5 kg. Lol. I want to go back to absolute hunger.

Meal: coffee (12 cal), soup (20), plum (35), coffee (13), cat food (20), oats (45), cucumber (17), fish (30), potato (10), tomato (8) = 210 cal

July 20. 43.5 kg.

Meal: coffee (12 cal), tea (35), cucumber (13), cucumber (18), tomato (27), oats (25), cucumber (8), tomato (2), soy dessert (66),  coffee (12) = 218 cal

July 21. 43.4 kg.

Meal: pork belly (100 cal), soy dessert (66) = 166
mushrooms (10), cauliflower (40), veggies (20), fish (35), coffee (25), coffee (12), cucumber (14), tomato (18) = 174 cal

July 22. 42.6 kg.

Meal: pork belly (30 cal), mushrooms (15), veggies (20), fish (35), tea (25), coffee (30) = 155 cal

July 23. 42.6 kg.

Meal: soy dessert (66 cal), coffee (50), latte (22), oats (30), candy (30), mushrooms (15), cherries (50), coffee (15), cucumber (40), tomato (20) = 340 сal

July 24. 42.7 kg.

Meal: soy dessert (66 cal), cucumber (10), tomato (18), carrot (20), apple (20), carrot (20), plum (20) = 174 сal
Also a tiny meatball but I decided not to count it in as an experiment

July 25. 42.2 kg.
Meal: coffee (26 cal), broccoli (20), fish (57), oats (25), coffee (13) = 140 cal

July 26. 42.4 kg.

Meal: carrot (20 cal), coffee (15), veal (150), cucumber (15), tomato (18), sesame milkshake (250), piece of chocolate (12), oats (22) = 502 cal

July 27. 42.2 kg.

Meal: fish (60 cal), coffee (15), cucumber (18), tomato (18), piece of candy (10), broccoli (15), coffee (30), carrot (20), coffee (25), oats (45), cucumber (28), meat (40), fish (25), coffee (20) = 370 cal
Took furosemide. Also, side effect of the neuroleptic I take: bladder atony

July 28. 40.9 kg.

Meal: coffee (13 cal), oats (45), meat (80), cucumber (14), tomato (18), sandwich (80), cucumber (8), chicken (60) =320 cal

July 29. 41.6 kg.

Meal: coffee (13 cal), chicken (50), rabbit (65), coffee (5), tea (14), candy (13)  = 160 cal

July 30. 41.9 kg.

Meal: sandwich (60 cal), coffee (12), cucumber (14), tomato (18), coffee (27), peach (40), coffee (6),  buckwheat (25), rabbit (100), carrot (15)  = 317 cal

Took lax. It didn't help :(

July 31. 42.1 kg.

Meal: beans (17 cal), beetroot (13), egg, white part (14), 2 apricots (50), coffee (40)  = 135 cal

August 1. 41.1 kg.

Meal: coffee (80), tea (10), veal (40), beans (20), beetroot (13), cucumber (15), egg (15)  = 193 cal
took furo + lax

August 2. 41.0 kg, waist 55,5 cm

Meal: coffee (17 cal), carrot (25), breakfast (40), apricot (17), coffee (5), coffee (5), semolina (80), white part of the egg (15)  = 205 cal

I want semolina with soy milk

August 3. 40.9 kg,  other places 40.5

Meal: venison (90 cal), coffee (6), stewed veggies (20), beetroot (13),  stewed veggies (20),  candy (15), veal (60), coffee (6) , cucumber (17), tomato (18) = 265 cal

August 4. 40.5 kg 

Meal: semolina (100 cal), candy (50), coffee (12), meat (30) = 192 cal
meat (100), cake (100), cucumber (13), tomato (17) = 412

August 5. 40.4 kg 

Meal: soy milk (40 cal), candy (20), coffee (17), meat (30), beetroot (6), apple (45), coffee (6), coffee (30), broth (20), stewed veggies with mushrooms (15), fish (40), carrot (42), coffee (10) = 320 cal

August 6. 40.0 kg 

Meal: cake (500 cal), meat (150), fish (20), coffee (20), coffee (36), cake (130), coffee (30), meatball (250), oats (27) = 1200 cal

August 7. 40.8 kg 

Meal: chocolate (100 cal), coffee (25), coffee (4), oats (35), veggies (15), fish (40),  sandwich (186), meat (80), fish (100), cucumber (13), tomato (18), coffee (18), apricots (30), broth (60)  = 725 cal

TOOK SORBITOL AS A LAX

August 8. 41.5 kg. WTF? After cholekinetic?!((( 

Meal: coffee (12 cal),  coffee (17), oats (15), fish (25), coffee (9), cucumber (13), tomato (18), apricots (13), broth (23), veggies with fish (30) = 168 cal

Lax again, another type

August 9. 41.5 kg. WTF? After lax?!((( 

Meal:  coffee (18), coffee (12), coffee (11), fish (30), veggies (11), sushi (x cal) = 82+x cal
won't even count anything today
Walked 21 km

August 10. 42.7 kg. WTF?  

Meal:  coffee (66), fish (30), coffee (15) = 111 cal
Sweets: 50 cal

August 11. 41.7 kg.    

Meal:  coffee (6), roe deer meat (40), seafood (47), coffee (6) = 100 cal
Sweets: 50 cal

August 12. 41.6 kg.    

Meal:  coffee (6), roe deer meat (20), octopus (14), sweets (220+200), coffee (10), cabbage (13) = 463 cal

Walked 18 k, took lax

August 13. 41.1 kg.    

Meal:  coffee (20 cal), roe deer meat (30), seafood (60), shrimps (20), apricot (13), apple (20)  = 163 cal
sweets (50)

August 14. 40.6 kg. other places 41.7    

Meal:  coffee (13 cal), roe deer meat (20), shrimps (15),  pear (40), salmon (30), sweets (10), cat food (30)  = 150 cal

August 15. 41.6 kg. other places 42    

Meal:  coffee (13 cal), roe deer meat (10), shrimps (15),  tomato (15), salmon (30), sweets (10),  semolina (90), tuna (75), coffee (26), carrot (40)  = 325 cal

August 16. 40.4 kg.    

Meal:  coffee (12 cal), roe deer meat (30), apple (20), semolina (60), coffee (30), sweets (20), cucumber (10), cucumber (17),  soup (50), carrot (40), grapes (50), oats (32) =  372 cal

August 17. 40.8 kg. other places - 41    

Meal:  coffee (9 cal), tuna (37), apple (40), sweets (15), grapes (50), shrimps (25) =  176 cal
vomiting. probably 100 cal
chocolate (550), cookies (130), banana (90), sandwich (60), coffee (11), rice (50), fish (50) = 1050

August 18. 41.3 kg.  

Meal:  tea (10 cal), sweets (100), banana (100), panini (350), pie (100), rice (50), fish (60), fish (140), oats (30) = 950

August 19. 41.5 kg.  

Meal:  apple (30), sweets (70) = 100 cal

August 20. 42 kg.  

Meal:  apple (60), sweets (130), salmon (120), plum (15), apricot (15) = 320 cal

THE END: I was institutionalized and gained weight from 42 to 53 kg. The curtain falls.